Que Sara Sara

So, it is in times like this week that I can tell I don’t have the right coping skills to cope with things in life. I have n0o one to teach me. I had a therapist, but I left them in early November 2021 because they didn’t understand autism at all and just let me rant without giving me any tools to put in my toolbox. Now I am post burnout and tool-less. I see a brand new therapist Monday afternoon. They sound better. I hope we click.

What i mean by no coping skills is I can’t deal with my feelings. Feelings of depression, hate, anger, frustration, sadness and anxiety, which drives a lot of the other feelings. I grew up in trauma. Never being good enough. Told not to cry. To get over it. Suck it up. My feelings don’t count. Behave appropriately. So, with that CPTSD, when something negative happens, I yank it inward. I take all of that pain and pull it in. I repress my tears or cry silently. I get angry and shout. My frustration is quick to bubble up and I repress just enough from throwing my phone or laptop across the room and smashing it to bits.

Case in point. Taxes. Here in the US we must file our taxes yearly. I had been doing it for free (because I make diddly) with one company and electronically filing my taxes. Not this year. That company doesn’t do it for free anymore. Have to go through the IRS. So I got my taxes entered. I went to file. Send. Whew! Nope, rejected. Wtf?! I tried to fix it. Rejected again. I tried 5+ times over two days. Rejected every time. I tried calling the dreaded IRS. On hold for over 60 minutes and nothing. I hung up. Said f*ck it, and decided to file by mail. Had to print out pages. That took 15 minutes. Omfg just print!! Got two envelopes. Not big enough. Too late, had to go to the store. I wanted to destroy my stuff. I was so mad.

With asd and adhd I have a really hard time regulating my anger and other emotions. I’m really hoping the new therapist works out. I have bruises on my body from self injury. I control myself at work but then I come home and I’m drained. No spoons (Spoon Theory) left. Just knives (not a cutter personally, knives just represent the anger). Then I have all this other big crap I have to do like taxes… I just can’t do it. I just can’t.