Que Sara Sara

Medication, for those that are on it, can be a life long struggle to keep balanced. I seem to have a high tolerance, I guess, to some meds because it isn’t long before I have cycled through that current level and my wheel begins to wobble. I need to increase the dose to balance out the wheel. SSRI antidepressants were like this. Some lasted a few years. One I was on, Trintellix, was not only uber expensive, but I hit the top bar in 6 months.

After Trintellix, about 3-4 years ago, I went off regular antidepressants all together. I hated feeling numb and cycling through them so fast. I had to go off Trintellix and be clean before trying another med anyway, I just didn’t start on another med. I loved how clear headed I was. My emotions came back, which was good and bad. It was a relief. I cried at sappy love stories, but I cried at the drop of a hat. I hate that. My anger was also more fiery.

Within the past couple years my depression has started to come back. At first it cycled with my menses. I was put on a med that helped with anxiety and depression throughout the day. Recently that was not enough. I would get pretty low around my menses and then be fine. This time I was coming out of burnout (work and autistic) and I felt great for a couple days. Then my mood plummeted. Very deeply. I had a plan folks. I didn’t have a day, but I had a plan. I felt trapped at work and trapped at home. I felt like I had no way out of this trap. Well, just one, very permanent, way.

I came up for air enough to get an emergency appt with my med Dr. This dr put me on a non-SSRI med and took me off my sleep meds. Why? Because there is the tiniest amount of antidepressant in my sleep meds. I was skeptical, but said I’d try it. I didn’t sleep Sunday-Tuesday night. I NEED my sleep meds. So, I told my med Dr. They said, “Do you want to up the Cymbalta or go back on the Trazadone?” They were making me decide between sleep and my mental health. That’s completely unfair and unrealistic. We all need to balance both. I told them that if there was enough antidepressant in the Trazadone then I wouldn’t have wanted to kill myself a week ago. I mean, seriously? Take the Rexulti away. I don’t feel like it’s doing anything anyway. Don’t make people decide between sleep and mental health. Period.